I’m typing this in the middle of May and I have lost around 500 Facebook friends since the beginning of the year. And I’m okay with this. In fact, I’m actively working for this, and I’m enjoying an unexpectedly odd journey.

It started like this – I had 4.6k Facebook friends. I believe (but could be wrong) that the upper limit is 5k Facebook friends. I felt that I was running out of friend slots and it worried me. This account is my author account, and as it’s my author page, I’m not hugely discriminating about who I accept as a friend. Perhaps they like a book I’ve written or are interested in one of my articles and I am incredibly flattered that they have taken time to look me up. However I have physically met two people out of that 4.6k, and while there’s perhaps a couple of dozen more where I have valued, meaningful and cherished relationships, most of them are a mystery to me.

I considered going through that friend list and trying to weed out the hustlers, con-artists and schmoozers that approach everyone on Facebook. It felt a little daunting, looking at a list of over four thousand and making decisions. It could take ages. Did I really want to free up those slots that badly?

Then I got a Facebook message from someone that I adore. They were getting some vile messages and as I was listed as a friend of the abuser, my friend wondered if I knew much about them. I checked, and I couldn’t help them. It was just someone that had been added many, many years ago. That added to my concerns. I could be running out of friend slots and I could be linked with people who’s values I emphatically didn’t share. I decided that I had to bite the bullet and go through that friend list. But not in one go. I don’t think that I would ever have the stamina to go through a whole 4.6k entries in one sitting.

Facebook has a feature with a list of all those on your friend list who has a birthday that day. I decided that each day I would go through the list, have a look at that person’s page and either wish them a happy birthday or unfriend them. The idea was to keep as many as possible while losing those were unlikely to miss me. I’m less than half a year through, and it’s been a revelation.

I made some guidelines for myself. The first one was that if an account hadn’t been active for over a year, then I would unfriend. I thought that was reasonable and that I could always send a friend request if things changed. I’ve been kicking around on Facebook as Lyssa Medana for a long time and it makes sense that some people have drifted away. Some people have abandoned Facebook because of concerns that are caught up with ethics or security. Others find different social media or walk away from the whole online stuff altogether. I can’t possibly argue with that.

There was a surprising number of inactive accounts as I went through. Some were obviously forgotten. A couple had me wishing them Happy Birthday back in 2019 as the last posts on their page which left me somewhat confused. Some had the traces of someone flouncing out of Facebook, which was usually hilarious. Some were obvious traces of a business that failed to launch with half a dozen posts fervently extolling editing services/art/beauty products/sewing alterations before their owner either abandoned hope or found a better platform for their work. Sadly, a couple had memorials on them because the original owner of the page had passed away. As I didn’t know or speak with any of those, I unfriended respectfully, leaving the page for those who knew and loved that person.

Another guideline was if the account was overrun by adverts selling weight loss products then I was getting out of there. It’s often a sign that the page has been taken over, with posts from the original poster being several years old. Besides, some of those ‘before and after’ pictures are seriously creepy and you can’t convince me that it’s always the same person. I look at them and the message seems to be ‘Hey! Use our weight loss product that will cost you a fortune and not only will you lose unrealistic amounts of weight but you will also grow three inches and change eye colour.’

As an aside, I loathe it when people post adverts on my timeline. It just feels presumptuous, and a little like I’m supposed to endorse something that I know nothing about. If I spot something like that on my timeline, I usually remove it, unfriend the person who posted and block. If someone in real life tried to force me to endorse a random weight loss product, I would absolutely avoid them thereafter – at all costs!

I also unfriended all the would-be Romeos (ewwww!) who had vowed eternal love at the first sight of my profile pic. My profile pic is of a glass of wine and if I thought that they were real, I’d be somewhat concerned. I also try to unfriend those who post with ‘do you know that you’re entitled to claim…’ in my messages as I go along, but I’m hoping to clear out any strays from that bunch as I go along. No-one has tried to sell me on one of those MLM for a while, possibly because I look too poor, but who knows. Anyway, those would go as well.

If the account is active, I have a scan through the posts. I know I’m a bit of a hypocrite here. Most of my posts are from me sharing a post by someone else. It could be someone who I respect and I’m sharing info on their work, or news of a release or a YouTube video, or, more likely, it could be a funny meme. There’s a lot of cats, a few dogs and plenty of cartoons. I’m not going to judge anyone for lack of original content.

I start from the position that I’d rather have a friend than not, and if there’s a doubt then that stays. And everyone has their own values and beliefs. I’m not going to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t believe, and I am a great believer in live and let live. I hope that I’m welcoming to everyone, no matter what box society tries to put them in. I’m also uneasily aware that it’s easy to live in an echo chamber. I want to hear all sorts of views and opinions, even if they aren’t exactly the same as mine. How else do I work out if I’ve got stuff wrong?

The guidelines continue with unfriending anyone who promotes hate. I reject those who try to frame sections of people as lesser or not quite human. We are all in this together. I’m also vehemently pro-vaccinations and pro-choice, and I’m proud to own it. I also unfriend those who are in any way promoting cruelty, whether to children, adults or animals. Kindness online literally costs nothing.

Scrolling through some of the posts has been an eye-opener. I’ll sometimes scroll through and think to myself, Sweetheart, you need to work on your self esteem. Sweetheart, you need to work on your self respect. Sweetheart, you can do better than this, think about what you’re doing and saying and be better. Sometimes I scroll through and want to give someone the biggest hug. Sometimes I scroll through and think, If you knocked on my door right now, I would hide behind the sofa.

The best part, though, has been finding amazing people that I don’t normally see. There are people on Facebook who are witty, and clever, and kind and insightful and I have loved seeing their posts. I’ve laughed and sighed and basked in their brilliance and frantically liked everything in the fading hope that the algorithm will show me more of them. I’m rarely on Facebook for more than five minutes at a time. I dash in, scroll quickly, pick up messages and dash out. Now I feel like I’m missing wonderful people saying amazing, thoughtful, thought-provoking things and it’s making me glad that I’m going through the birthday lists. It may be their birthdays, but I have found a great deal of joy.

The reason I decided to write about Facebook friends is some sad news I found on there. There was one particular Facebook friend that I ‘bumped into’ regularly. I had never physically met them, and I don’t think that I’d ever been on the same continent as them, but I loved their posts. They were funny, irreverent and their posts brightened my day. Sometimes we would exchange puns, trade off stories and ideas and just generally share jokes and the brighter side of life. The love that they had for their partner glowed like the sun and it was heartwarming to see. I realised that I hadn’t seen a post from them for a while and went looking for their account. There was a notice that my friend had passed. I may not have met my friend face to face, but that didn’t ease the sorrow that I felt.

This post is a way for me to deal with that sorrow. I’ll make a donation to the food pantry bin in their name next time I’m in the supermarket as a way of remembering them and I’ll cherish those of my friends on Facebook that make my life so much better even though we live miles and miles apart. In these days of social media, perhaps friendship and the ties between human beings need to be redefined and expanded. Kindness, joy and love can come through many channels. I think that it’s worth being intentional about choosing and refining those channels.

I’m still accepting friend requests, though I check their profile a little closer now. I’m still flattered that anyone thinks of me. I still feel blessed by the welcome of good people from all over the world. And I will absolutely keep sharing jokes and memes and cats without any shame at all. If you want to join me on Facebook – you have been warned!